Chaos.

I've had chaos on the mind lately.

I’ve had chaos on the mind lately. (Quite literally.)

“Hey Pauleen, how are you doing? What’s new?”
And my mind goes blank, because all I can think of is, What DID I do?

I think back to the week- and my memories consist of a blur of chaos in my head.

Running from here to there, being worried about this or that, running, urgency, grocery, this that, run, urgent, grocery, this that, lists, calls, to do, mom, this that, run run, urgent, red lights, taco bell, grocery, run, phone calls, teams meeting, run urgent, this that this that this that this that this that….

My peace resting somewhere in a graveyard of forgotten things.

And I think…what am I so chaotic about???

I think about the week. (pauses to think)

It’s normal stuff.

It’s phone calls, work, a little to-do list, playing with my dog, visiting my mom. What’s so chaotic about that?

But the only energy signature that remains every week -when I flop into bed on a Sunday night- is… that my week was chaotic.

Then. I had an aha moment last week:

(Conversation in Pauleen’s head) “Oh! I think the chaos is in my head! It’s not actually happening in REAL life. Just in my head.” (Pauleen squeals excitedly at the new realization.)

I pondered.

I journaled.

I studied my behavior.

Yup.

Confirmed.

The chaos was in my head. My mind running a marathon while life was going at a regular pedestrian pace.

That’s when I saw it clearly. The outer world is calm enough- The storm is simply happening inside me.

The noise, the rush, the urgency, it’s not the traffic or the calendar. It’s the mental spinning that keeps replaying danger where none exists. My world isn’t truly chaotic.

I am.

Alright.

The ever-ready-to-analyze psychic within thought: How do I change that?

Ah yes. Brilliant. I’ll slow the mind down.

I tried. Nope. Didn’t work. Another week. Chaos.

Today I sat down with a cuppa tea. 10 minutes before I had to clock into the 9–5. Thinking about my chaos. Wondering. Has there ever even been a time where my mind isn’t running??

Boom. There was the image. (This is how the psychic gift works.)
I saw myself. Walking in NYC (Only the best city in the world).

And boom boom. Like thunder… aha moments crashed in my ears.

I’m never chaotic when I’m walking/striding down the streets of Manhattan.

Never.

My most peaceful, calm, “taking in the world and smelling the roses” time happens best…in NYC.

Why? Is it because there is chaos around me? And my inner chaos settles? Shouldn’t it make me more chaotic?

When I’m at home, in my daily life, my mind is constantly scanning for the small things. The unexpected call. The last-minute project. The new email that creates a whole new to-do list. The draining stuff.
I am constantly responsible for tracking these “threats.”

The very definition of hypervigilance.

When I am in Manhattan? The buildings that surround me are massive structures. They are grounded, and rooted. The chaos of the city may surround them, but the buildings are solid stones of peace.
At home: every bit of chaos is instantly processed as my failure, my responsibility, and leads to my impending exhaustion. This is taking massive energy consumption on my part.
In Manhattan? The aggressive drivers, the noise, the rush. None of it requires my personal input or emotion. None of it. I don’t have to intervene.

That chaos is not mine to fix

.

And when that truth lands, my whole body exhales. My shoulders drop. My breath deepens. There’s an almost holy quiet that rushes in. I can feel my nervous system unclench, like my heart finally gets to sit down after years of standing guard. For once, I’m not bracing. I’m just… there. Breathing. Alive.

I don’t have to solve that chaos. The structure of the city will take care of it. My nervous system knows it and I can relax into it. I trust those beautiful, beautiful, beautiful buildings, that system, that wonderful city.

.

The question is: How can I bring that Manhattan way of thinking into my own home? The city takes care of me. I don’t have to negotiate, fix, or solve anything. The crowd, the city, the systems set up in the city, the buildings? They do that FOR ME.

I feel like a child, being sung a lullaby in her mother’s lap when I am in Manhattan.
Where is your no-chaos zone? How do you bring peace to your day?